School. College. Friends. Family. Problems. Homework. Scholarships. Applications. Decisions. The future. The past. Responsibilities. Saying no. Saying yes. Commitments. Mentors. Losing friends. Feeling far away. Overwhelmed. Wanting to read, but not having time to. Wanting to fall asleep all the time. Dreaming about a vacation. Counting the days until summer. Until graduation (134). Bible studies. Church. Trying not to forget appointments. Having to "fit in" time with people I love. Work. Student loans (equals debt forever cause my job won't make money!). Trying to make people happy. Realizing that you can't. Looking for love and finding that I already have it. Walking through the halls of my high school. Letting go of people because they let go of you. Struggling to find the words. Finding the wrong words.
God.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Balance
You know what is REALLY hard to learn? Balance.
I have always been a people pleaser. Hardcore. But if I work too hard and get too far away from being a people pleaser then I'm rude and inconsiderate. If I try to just take it as it comes, I tend to be shy and so quiet that people think I hate them anyways. But when I try not to be quiet I tend to be loud and obnoxious.
And I'm an over-analyzer. Go figure.
I need God. Duh, right? I know. I just don't think I can say that too much.
I have always been a people pleaser. Hardcore. But if I work too hard and get too far away from being a people pleaser then I'm rude and inconsiderate. If I try to just take it as it comes, I tend to be shy and so quiet that people think I hate them anyways. But when I try not to be quiet I tend to be loud and obnoxious.
And I'm an over-analyzer. Go figure.
I need God. Duh, right? I know. I just don't think I can say that too much.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Deep Thought Directed At Myself.
I should be doing homework right now. But I just drank a cup of purely caffeinated coffee with sugary cream in it. So I figure I have about another three hours of awakeness.
People are strange. We judge. And we don't typically give others the benefit of the doubt.. We just put together what we know about a person with what we've known about people in the past and assume we know what kind of people we meet.
For instance:
A lot of people have trust issues. And I understand that the reasons people have for not trusting people are legitimate most if not all of the time. But theres a smarter way of going about finding new people to trust than to just assume that all people are alike and you can't trust anyone. Is it risky? Uh, yeah, sometimes it is very risky.
But heres the thing: you don't have to tell someone you barely know your deepest darkest secrets. Just trust people a little bit at a time. Trust them with what you know you can trust them with and as you INVEST in getting to know them more, you'll gradually become closer and know when you can trust them with a little more and a little more and a little more...
But sometimes you do get hurt. It's inevitable becuase humans are no where near perfect.
I trust pretty freely I suppose. I don't open up with things that are very personal and important to me until I know that either a) I can definitely, without a doubt, trust you. Or b) I love you enough to risk it anyways.
And I think that thinking about this kind of brought on thinking about other people trusting me. It really hurts not to be trusted sometimes. I mean, have I ever done anything to make you think you couldn't?
But wait a second...have I ever done anything to make you think you could...
Alise, I think you might have something here. Dang. You may not be perfect after all.
SO! I have been coming to some small conclusions lately. I really want people to be able to trust me. So I'll just be here and be me. If you want to trust me, hopefully I'll prove to you that I can. I'll let you be the judge. In the meantime, I'm the one responsible for my faults, and I'm gonna work on those.
Major renovations are taking place in me. Something that should have happened a long time ago.
Tip: stop categorizing people. Stop assuming you know how or who they are. I do it, and I'm wrong a lot.
People are strange. We judge. And we don't typically give others the benefit of the doubt.. We just put together what we know about a person with what we've known about people in the past and assume we know what kind of people we meet.
For instance:
A lot of people have trust issues. And I understand that the reasons people have for not trusting people are legitimate most if not all of the time. But theres a smarter way of going about finding new people to trust than to just assume that all people are alike and you can't trust anyone. Is it risky? Uh, yeah, sometimes it is very risky.
But heres the thing: you don't have to tell someone you barely know your deepest darkest secrets. Just trust people a little bit at a time. Trust them with what you know you can trust them with and as you INVEST in getting to know them more, you'll gradually become closer and know when you can trust them with a little more and a little more and a little more...
But sometimes you do get hurt. It's inevitable becuase humans are no where near perfect.
I trust pretty freely I suppose. I don't open up with things that are very personal and important to me until I know that either a) I can definitely, without a doubt, trust you. Or b) I love you enough to risk it anyways.
And I think that thinking about this kind of brought on thinking about other people trusting me. It really hurts not to be trusted sometimes. I mean, have I ever done anything to make you think you couldn't?
But wait a second...have I ever done anything to make you think you could...
Alise, I think you might have something here. Dang. You may not be perfect after all.
SO! I have been coming to some small conclusions lately. I really want people to be able to trust me. So I'll just be here and be me. If you want to trust me, hopefully I'll prove to you that I can. I'll let you be the judge. In the meantime, I'm the one responsible for my faults, and I'm gonna work on those.
Major renovations are taking place in me. Something that should have happened a long time ago.
Tip: stop categorizing people. Stop assuming you know how or who they are. I do it, and I'm wrong a lot.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Cats and College on the Mind
Lets start this one off with a quote, shall we?
"You know Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift, a precious gift, possibly the most precious gift you possess. You want to give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can only give to one man. Once you give it, it's gone. You can't re-gift it. If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you will have no gift to give. You'll have to buy him a sweater."
- The Minister to Rory
Now that we've done that...I don't really know what I'm gonna say.
I've been thinking...(try counting how many times you've heard that before hearing fantastic news--thats right, not once. Almost always scary)
I'm the youngest child in my family. So, it's a lot different becoming an adult, going to college, moving out, and all that jazz. I'm not the first one to do it. And I'm leaving my parents with no more children at home. That's kind of a weird position to be in. Plus the whole "I'm the good kid" thing. That adds to the expectations a little.
In my heart and part of my mind I know that my parents will love no me no matter what, obviously, and they'll support me no matter what I decide to do or where I decide to go. (unless I became a democratic campaign manager or something, but I'm not into politics enough anyways)
But ah! This college stuff...sucks.
Who the HECK decided to make up all these ideas anyway? It's like this freaky schedule that you have to follow.
Go to school for 12 years.
In high school, they say that they're gonna treat you like an adult, but really, they own your life.
In the fourth year of high school--BAM!--"hurry up and fill out all this paperwork""apply to schools or you're screwed""scholarships, scholarships, scholarships!""Hey, all your old classes and mediocre grades are gonna come back and haunt you now"
And while your a senior, they still own you, and treat you like a child even though three months after you graduate, you're expected to be a different person with at least half of your life semi mapped out.
One day I'm fighting with a teacher about how competent I should be considered and how much I know about politics or cars (despite his OPINIONS on who wants to buy a freakin Honda Civic!) and the next day I'm in debt $30,000 a year.
What kind of a freakin loony bin founder made this up!?
I'm gonna wrap up my demon possessed cat and send her to him as a present!
Okay, obviously I'm being kind of ridiculous, but I'm being genuinely serious at the same time.
This scares me. In one of those freaky, excited, spastic scared kind of ways.
I just want it to work out. And I just want to be able to say that I am not worried about it at all because I know God has it all under control. Because I do...I know that, I just need to commit to it. And live like I believe it.
And maybe just stop thinking...
"You know Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift, a precious gift, possibly the most precious gift you possess. You want to give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can only give to one man. Once you give it, it's gone. You can't re-gift it. If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you will have no gift to give. You'll have to buy him a sweater."
- The Minister to Rory
Now that we've done that...I don't really know what I'm gonna say.
I've been thinking...(try counting how many times you've heard that before hearing fantastic news--thats right, not once. Almost always scary)
I'm the youngest child in my family. So, it's a lot different becoming an adult, going to college, moving out, and all that jazz. I'm not the first one to do it. And I'm leaving my parents with no more children at home. That's kind of a weird position to be in. Plus the whole "I'm the good kid" thing. That adds to the expectations a little.
In my heart and part of my mind I know that my parents will love no me no matter what, obviously, and they'll support me no matter what I decide to do or where I decide to go. (unless I became a democratic campaign manager or something, but I'm not into politics enough anyways)
But ah! This college stuff...sucks.
Who the HECK decided to make up all these ideas anyway? It's like this freaky schedule that you have to follow.
Go to school for 12 years.
In high school, they say that they're gonna treat you like an adult, but really, they own your life.
In the fourth year of high school--BAM!--"hurry up and fill out all this paperwork""apply to schools or you're screwed""scholarships, scholarships, scholarships!""Hey, all your old classes and mediocre grades are gonna come back and haunt you now"
And while your a senior, they still own you, and treat you like a child even though three months after you graduate, you're expected to be a different person with at least half of your life semi mapped out.
One day I'm fighting with a teacher about how competent I should be considered and how much I know about politics or cars (despite his OPINIONS on who wants to buy a freakin Honda Civic!) and the next day I'm in debt $30,000 a year.
What kind of a freakin loony bin founder made this up!?
I'm gonna wrap up my demon possessed cat and send her to him as a present!
Okay, obviously I'm being kind of ridiculous, but I'm being genuinely serious at the same time.
This scares me. In one of those freaky, excited, spastic scared kind of ways.
I just want it to work out. And I just want to be able to say that I am not worried about it at all because I know God has it all under control. Because I do...I know that, I just need to commit to it. And live like I believe it.
And maybe just stop thinking...
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