Definition of introvert.

Sometimes I just want to live in a coffee shop. Or Powells.

No, really.

I just want to find a comfy chair somewhere surrounded by a ton of people I don't know. There will be music playing in the background that is slightly more exciting than elevator music, but nothing I would be caught dead playing on my iPod. And I would just read. Or just sit and sip coffee. Or watch all of the interesting people that you will inevitably find in a coffee shop or Powells (in the weirdness of Portland).

Do you think the military would notice if I just hopped on a plane and went to live in a kibbutz? Or some random house in the middle of Australia? Possibly just go backpacking from hostel to hostel in Europe? They have the acronym AWOL for a purpose, I might as well give them a reason to use it, right?

I go to a great school. I love the Army. I love my friends. But I just wanna be alone. Like, alone alone. And I want life to have a little routine for like 10 seconds! My favorite part of the week has become Sunday. I go to church, I go to a Starbucks down the street (nowhere near APU!) and I call my dear grandmother. Every Sunday. And I love it... It's Monday and i can't wait for Sunday to come again. I think I might be the definition of introvert.

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there...

Please, would you one time

Let me be myself

For a while, if you don't mind

Let me be myself

So i can shine with my own light

Let me be myself

That's all i've ever wanted from this world

Is to let me be me

I'm not depressed. I didn't get hurt. I haven't been influenced and pressured into doing things I don't want to. I'm not being a rebel. I don't think I've hit rock bottom yet. I haven't given up on life or "checked out."

I am tired of not being me.

As far as life goes, I have been trying and failing for way too long and every time I end up just a little more bitter and a little more tired and sad than the time before. And honestly, I can't handle too much more of that. So I was listening to this song by 3 Doors Down called "Let Me Be Myself" and it inspired me to put my thoughts into words.

Everything I do and say and try to change is based on other people. I spend approximately 80 percent of my thoughts analyzing how someone reacted to something I did or said, contemplating if someone is still judging me for a mistake I made, if someone misinterpreted something I said, or how I can avoid conflict at all costs.

I give up. I need a break for awhile. I still love God more than anything. I still have deeply engrained morals that I couldn't get rid of even if I wanted to. I haven't lost hope and I believe with all of my heart that I'll eventually be a much stronger person and have more faith and purpose than I ever have before.

But for now--just for a little while--I don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks.