http://alisebeaman.tumblr.com/

Definition of introvert.

Sometimes I just want to live in a coffee shop. Or Powells.

No, really.

I just want to find a comfy chair somewhere surrounded by a ton of people I don't know. There will be music playing in the background that is slightly more exciting than elevator music, but nothing I would be caught dead playing on my iPod. And I would just read. Or just sit and sip coffee. Or watch all of the interesting people that you will inevitably find in a coffee shop or Powells (in the weirdness of Portland).

Do you think the military would notice if I just hopped on a plane and went to live in a kibbutz? Or some random house in the middle of Australia? Possibly just go backpacking from hostel to hostel in Europe? They have the acronym AWOL for a purpose, I might as well give them a reason to use it, right?

I go to a great school. I love the Army. I love my friends. But I just wanna be alone. Like, alone alone. And I want life to have a little routine for like 10 seconds! My favorite part of the week has become Sunday. I go to church, I go to a Starbucks down the street (nowhere near APU!) and I call my dear grandmother. Every Sunday. And I love it... It's Monday and i can't wait for Sunday to come again. I think I might be the definition of introvert.

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there...

Please, would you one time

Let me be myself

For a while, if you don't mind

Let me be myself

So i can shine with my own light

Let me be myself

That's all i've ever wanted from this world

Is to let me be me

I'm not depressed. I didn't get hurt. I haven't been influenced and pressured into doing things I don't want to. I'm not being a rebel. I don't think I've hit rock bottom yet. I haven't given up on life or "checked out."

I am tired of not being me.

As far as life goes, I have been trying and failing for way too long and every time I end up just a little more bitter and a little more tired and sad than the time before. And honestly, I can't handle too much more of that. So I was listening to this song by 3 Doors Down called "Let Me Be Myself" and it inspired me to put my thoughts into words.

Everything I do and say and try to change is based on other people. I spend approximately 80 percent of my thoughts analyzing how someone reacted to something I did or said, contemplating if someone is still judging me for a mistake I made, if someone misinterpreted something I said, or how I can avoid conflict at all costs.

I give up. I need a break for awhile. I still love God more than anything. I still have deeply engrained morals that I couldn't get rid of even if I wanted to. I haven't lost hope and I believe with all of my heart that I'll eventually be a much stronger person and have more faith and purpose than I ever have before.

But for now--just for a little while--I don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks.

Good Riddance?

I don't know how I feel about letting people go. And I am not talking about leaving Washington, I'm talking about old friends. I don't like letting go because I feel like that's a way of giving up. But I think that sometimes it's ok to just say that we used to be friends and now we're different.

...one of my friends who I've known for about 6 years has recently dropped off the face of the earth. However, I have found that they only disappeared from my life, not their "real" friends. A little over a year ago I told this person about the biggest decision I've ever made in my entire life and they responded with, "that's stupid." I realized that they didn't know me well enough or care about me enough to be my friend. In fact, I'm not sure what ever made me think they were truly my friend.

Recently, they have made a decision in their life. Probably the biggest they will ever make. And the cruel, bitter, "flesh" part of me wants to say, "that's stupid." But I know this person well enough to know that they thought it through, prayed about it, and carefully planned for it and that they would have never made this decision unless they knew that it was a part of God's plan for their life. And you know what? I'm too sensitive and I give too much of myself to people to be a part of a one-sided relationship. So maybe I do know how I feel about letting people go; sometimes it's necessary.

Honestly, this whole post is a rant. But very few people (*cough* one person *cough*) actually read this blog. And that person is my friend, and she knows me, so she'll understand.

Everything...

Here I go again. In two days I will be on my way back to school, 16 hours away from my family and friends. And this time, as much as my parents and friends hate to hear me say it, I don't think I'm going to come back...not to stay.

I graduated high school last year and was excited to move on, leave this town and school behind, and start over. I was the girl who couldn't wait to "get outta here." But that was the WRONG outlook. I now see the importance of my past and that if I would have lived anywhere else, with any other dynamics or diversity, I wouldn't be the same person I am today.

However, even though that was not the right outlook, I do know that God's plan for my life includes a different place. The fact that I have no idea where I will end up geographically excites me and scares me...mostly excites me. Because God has taken me to some pretty cool places so far.

There are a lot of things I have to leave here and a few things I have to let go of for...ever. My friends I have to say goodbye to, and that is sad but I will see them, talk to them, and reconnect with them. It will never be exactly the same with all the same people at once, but such is life and I have come to terms with that. My family will always be there for me, I will always love them, I will always be welcome home with open arms. That has been made very clear to me my entire life. Even if I wanted to get rid of them I wouldn't be able to =)

But there is one thing that I am still trying to come to terms with... I have to leave my church here. I can't take it with me. And that breaks my heart. Every person there is family. I would have to take a year off of school if I wanted to thank everyone there for the investments they've made in my life. I tried to imagine how my life would have turned out without all of the beautiful people that make up my church and it scares me. I have no idea where I would be, or WHO I would be. I wouldn't have had the opportunities that I did.

Not very many American Christians find a church that fits them as well as mine has fit me. I am just SO blessed to be able to say that God used me! And I wouldn't be able to say that without the love and support of my church family.

And now... I have to look for another church. And I can't look for my church, because I won't find it. But I tried to live without a church home at school last year with this thought in the back of my mind that if I found one I would be betraying my church at home. But now I know that I can't live without one

God is good.

I really just need to type.

This summer has been amazing. God wanted me to be an intern, He provided, I worked hard, I had the best summer of my life.

But this last week has been...crazy weird. I found out that my my best friend is leaving early, I get in a car wreck, another couple I grew up with got married, and today I actually had to say goodbye to my best friend. But the weird part, is that I'm okay with all of this. I'm not a very sentimental person because I try to prepare myself for hard stuff. And I deal with crisis situations because I don't like them, so I don't waste my time on them.

But...ROTC is freaking me out. Because it's an unknown for me. I don't know how it works, whats going to happen, how it's going to change my schedule, my college experience... I just don't know. And I don't like it. All I know is that I have to work really hard. I just want the 11th to come so I can take my test and get it over with. I go through daily stages of freaking out and almost crying. But then I'm fine an hour later...I just don't know what to think I guess.

The reality of it all: I know that it's what God wants me to do. For so many reasons. So the unknowns shouldn't bother me. That's what faith is. And I shouldn't just want to get it over with. I should work on developing patience. God called, He'll provide, I'll work hard, and it'll be a great thing in my life.

Lord, thank you for providing. Through all the craziness in this life, You never change. Not with the seasons, not with my mood, not with my age... You are the same. You are good.
And now, I sit here asking for your help. Not ashamed to say that I love You. Happy to say that I'm too weak to accomplish what You want me to do. Excited to say that I need You.

Confident that You will provide. You always have and You never change.

Venting.

I just need somewhere to vent. Don't hold it against me.

I hate losing friends. I'm sick of it. Is there something wrong with me? I don't get it. I try hard, probably too hard most of the time. And yet, I'm always the one who "gets dumped" and I'm the one who ends up missing the friend. So obviously it's something wrong with me.

I'm sick of people who think they're better than me. Whether it's because they're older or smarter or more mature. I don't care. You're not. If you were you wouldn't think you were.

I'm sick of caring about what other people think about me. I'm never going to have 100% approval so I just quit.

I'm sick of trying and failing.

I just need to change a lot of things in my life.

I don't know how to say it myself. So I'll let someone else say it for me.

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

People say that they hate life all the time. But really we're just scared to change. Or too lazy. Who knows why though. Maybe just because we want to change but we're too used to what we have. Maybe because we don't want to disappoint people. Maybe because we tell ourselves that we would rather get good at what we have than change and get something better. Maybe because we think we're so bad at what we have so theres no guarantee that we'll be good at something new. Maybe we just don't think we deserve something better.

Who knows.

Lately all I've wanted to do is take a break. And when I get one it's never enough. I feel like I'm never on top, I'm always behind and there is always ten things that I should be doing. Life is just hard. And that's okay. It's just...hard.

I hate this feeling in my stomach that won't go away. It's stress maybe? But I don't think that it's necessary. I think I'm handling the busyness in my life all wrong and I want to start handling it right.

School. College. Friends. Family. Problems. Homework. Scholarships. Applications. Decisions. The future. The past. Responsibilities. Saying no. Saying yes. Commitments. Mentors. Losing friends. Feeling far away. Overwhelmed. Wanting to read, but not having time to. Wanting to fall asleep all the time. Dreaming about a vacation. Counting the days until summer. Until graduation (134). Bible studies. Church. Trying not to forget appointments. Having to "fit in" time with people I love. Work. Student loans (equals debt forever cause my job won't make money!). Trying to make people happy. Realizing that you can't. Looking for love and finding that I already have it. Walking through the halls of my high school. Letting go of people because they let go of you. Struggling to find the words. Finding the wrong words.

God.

Balance

You know what is REALLY hard to learn? Balance.

I have always been a people pleaser. Hardcore. But if I work too hard and get too far away from being a people pleaser then I'm rude and inconsiderate. If I try to just take it as it comes, I tend to be shy and so quiet that people think I hate them anyways. But when I try not to be quiet I tend to be loud and obnoxious.

And I'm an over-analyzer. Go figure.

I need God. Duh, right? I know. I just don't think I can say that too much.

Deep Thought Directed At Myself.

I should be doing homework right now. But I just drank a cup of purely caffeinated coffee with sugary cream in it. So I figure I have about another three hours of awakeness.

People are strange. We judge. And we don't typically give others the benefit of the doubt.. We just put together what we know about a person with what we've known about people in the past and assume we know what kind of people we meet.

For instance:
A lot of people have trust issues. And I understand that the reasons people have for not trusting people are legitimate most if not all of the time. But theres a smarter way of going about finding new people to trust than to just assume that all people are alike and you can't trust anyone. Is it risky? Uh, yeah, sometimes it is very risky.
But heres the thing: you don't have to tell someone you barely know your deepest darkest secrets. Just trust people a little bit at a time. Trust them with what you know you can trust them with and as you INVEST in getting to know them more, you'll gradually become closer and know when you can trust them with a little more and a little more and a little more...

But sometimes you do get hurt. It's inevitable becuase humans are no where near perfect.

I trust pretty freely I suppose. I don't open up with things that are very personal and important to me until I know that either a) I can definitely, without a doubt, trust you. Or b) I love you enough to risk it anyways.

And I think that thinking about this kind of brought on thinking about other people trusting me. It really hurts not to be trusted sometimes. I mean, have I ever done anything to make you think you couldn't?

But wait a second...have I ever done anything to make you think you could...

Alise, I think you might have something here. Dang. You may not be perfect after all.

SO! I have been coming to some small conclusions lately. I really want people to be able to trust me. So I'll just be here and be me. If you want to trust me, hopefully I'll prove to you that I can. I'll let you be the judge. In the meantime, I'm the one responsible for my faults, and I'm gonna work on those.

Major renovations are taking place in me. Something that should have happened a long time ago.

Tip: stop categorizing people. Stop assuming you know how or who they are. I do it, and I'm wrong a lot.

Cats and College on the Mind

Lets start this one off with a quote, shall we?

"You know Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift, a precious gift, possibly the most precious gift you possess. You want to give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can only give to one man. Once you give it, it's gone. You can't re-gift it. If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you will have no gift to give. You'll have to buy him a sweater."
- The Minister to Rory

Now that we've done that...I don't really know what I'm gonna say.

I've been thinking...(try counting how many times you've heard that before hearing fantastic news--thats right, not once. Almost always scary)

I'm the youngest child in my family. So, it's a lot different becoming an adult, going to college, moving out, and all that jazz. I'm not the first one to do it. And I'm leaving my parents with no more children at home. That's kind of a weird position to be in. Plus the whole "I'm the good kid" thing. That adds to the expectations a little.
In my heart and part of my mind I know that my parents will love no me no matter what, obviously, and they'll support me no matter what I decide to do or where I decide to go. (unless I became a democratic campaign manager or something, but I'm not into politics enough anyways)

But ah! This college stuff...sucks.
Who the HECK decided to make up all these ideas anyway? It's like this freaky schedule that you have to follow.
Go to school for 12 years.
In high school, they say that they're gonna treat you like an adult, but really, they own your life.
In the fourth year of high school--BAM!--"hurry up and fill out all this paperwork""apply to schools or you're screwed""scholarships, scholarships, scholarships!""Hey, all your old classes and mediocre grades are gonna come back and haunt you now"
And while your a senior, they still own you, and treat you like a child even though three months after you graduate, you're expected to be a different person with at least half of your life semi mapped out.
One day I'm fighting with a teacher about how competent I should be considered and how much I know about politics or cars (despite his OPINIONS on who wants to buy a freakin Honda Civic!) and the next day I'm in debt $30,000 a year.

What kind of a freakin loony bin founder made this up!?
I'm gonna wrap up my demon possessed cat and send her to him as a present!

Okay, obviously I'm being kind of ridiculous, but I'm being genuinely serious at the same time.

This scares me. In one of those freaky, excited, spastic scared kind of ways.
I just want it to work out. And I just want to be able to say that I am not worried about it at all because I know God has it all under control. Because I do...I know that, I just need to commit to it. And live like I believe it.

And maybe just stop thinking...

I miss it.

Oh man. You know what I want? I want to put on a long amish looking skirt, a 3/4 sleeve shirt, and some flip-flops and hop on a plane with only a backpack. I really just want to go sit on a bench in that little square by Jewish Quarter Rd. and watch people walk up the ramp to go to the Dome of the Rock. I want to see that little Muslim girl that said hi to me with the biggest smile on her face I've ever seen for no reason.

Yeah, you guessed it, this is me just showing off how "experienced" and "traveled" I am.

Not.

Actually, that's really REALLY what I want. I miss the cobblestone streets, overpriced food, the perverts that just want to sell you stuff cause you're American and act all offended when you tell them that what they're trying to sell you is a piece of crap. I want a 5 shekel falafel.

I want to sit on the edge of the balcony of the hostel on Via Delorosa and look at all the mosques, the Dome, and the beautiful moon and just cry.

I want to stand next to the fence that my nose barely touches and watch the the women sob and the men dance at the Wall. And cry.

I want to sit on one of those ridiculously too comfortable benches at the church of the Holy Sepulchre and smell that disgusting Catholic insense stuff. And cry.

What if I never go back?

Life, love, and laziness.

So, I was sitting at the kitchen table (where I have made it a habit to do my homework so I don't get distracted and procrastinate) and I started to contemplate life. Well, not "life." That sounds all deep and philosophical and such. No no no. Actually, it is quite the opposite. I was contemplating MY life. I've been doing a lot of that lately and every time I come up with the same conclusion.

I'm lazy.

Seriously, if I stopped every time I was crying or stressed about something and I asked myself, "self, what is the real purpose for this nonsense?" the answer would almost always be because I'M LAZY. (Or because I've not had enough coffee but that's a different issue entirely)

I'm gonna stop writing because I've tried to type like three or four sentences and they all turn out to be gibberish in the end. So maybe later.

I basically have nothing to say.

Except that I'm not really doing so hot. And I'm really tired...probably because it's really late at night.

What God has been doing in my life

sorry guys! i started writing and i just kept going...so you don't have to read it all if you don't want to. but please comment if you get a chance! so here it is:

ok. so i think i'm ready to talk.

God is amazing. He is perfectly faithful. and never ceases to bless and provide...

before i went to the mission conference with our church a couple of weeks ago, i wasn't really too excited about it. i just kinda wanted to get away...sort of a vacation. but a little before the conference i asked God to show me if he wants me to have any part in missions and if so maybe what or where he had in mind...well, not in those exact words but thats the jest of it.
so we show up. we work out all the crazy sleeping arrangements. we go swimming. and then we go sit through a fairly boring/kind of interesting workshop. but the keynote speakers were amazing, and so was the worship. i really started to get into listening to them. mind you, the workshops i went to weren't exactly amazing but they were kinda interesting...some of them anyways. well, anyways, on the first day we were just kinda wandering around the various booths for all the mission groups (expanding our pen collections) and none of them really caught my attention. i passed this one and a lady handed me a "passport" and said "here you go, this is for people like you." i was like "ok...thanks." and i also talked to the people at the Wycliffe booth for a while too. they were really nice. so we wandered around even more for a while and when it was just about time to leave we started looking for other people in our group so we could sort of regroup. me and Linnea...and maybe Carrie, i don't remember...anyways, we found DeWayne, Ben, and Jordon at the same booth where the lady handed me the passport thing. all three of them were deep into a conversation with someone from that booth so we just kind of hung out around it for a little bit waiting for them to finish. i figured i'd look a little more (maybe see if they have any pens that i missed the first time i came) and the lady working at the booth (sarah lawrence) started asking me questions....and then i started asking her questions. it turns out, that they go to Costa Rica and use soccer as a mission opportunity. so i took a little post card that had a date for a little "get together" on it and a dvd with a promo video on it and left...(the guys still talked to them for a little while i believe). i still after all of this didn't really know exactly what it all was...i didn't even remember the name of it. but i went home and looked up the site on the back of the passport and it turns out that they go to a lot of places including Amsterdam, China, Costa Rica, Scotland, Ireland, Nepal, and a thing called Euroquest (they go to like nine countries in Europe). i thought it sounded amazing and immediately wanted to go...like tomorrow. but i stopped for a second and was like "i know i have 'temporary highs' after stuff like this, thats probably all it is, i'll get over the enthusiasm after a while." but i started praying about it and looking into it a little more. So i decided to go to the thing on Saturday anyways, i invited a couple of other people who seemed like they might be interested in it as well like Ben, Jordon, Linnea, and Carrie. Sarah said she would be glad to take us. well, saturday came and Jordon was going to his grandparents house to visit his grandpa before he went into surgery, Carrie went to her grandmothers funeral in Missouri, Ben was hangin out with his family and the McCurrys, and Linneas brother decided to go somewhere and leave the chores for the rest of them, so i told her to just go. oh yeah, and Sarah had to babysit like a thousand children on Saturday so she asked if Alex would take "us" in her car. Well, i called Alex and i figured that since she wasn't really interested in it, that we wouldn't go since it was just me still going out of our whole little group. But Alex said that if i still wanted to go than she would take me. so we went to this little youth room in the middle of Oregon City (which was harder to find than the directions said) and we just hung out with a bunch of people that have gone before and listened to a ton of hilarious stories. we worshiped together too...ok so the worship was amazing! you know how sometimes during worship at church you are singing a song and you're like "that describes me right now to the tea"...(if you don't know what i'm talking about you're crazy!) well anyways, EVERY single song we sang that night described me "to the tea" (i'm probably not using that quote right). I also talked to a couple of people who have gone to Costa Rica before and they gave me a ton of information and encouragement.(i don't even think they realized just how much). but anyways, we said goodbye and went out to eat and headed home.
i woke up the next morning to my dad gently waking me up from outside my door. he asked me if i was awake, i said "mmmumh" he said "how was the thing last night?" i said " i need fifty dollars" "for what?" "for an application" "okay, i'll talk to mom. theres breakfast downstairs. i'm leaving now. see ya."
that night (or maybe the night after...?) i told my parents that i really felt like this is what God wanted me to do and i showed them the video and talked to them a little bit about it and they're totally supportive. they're willing to help in any way they can and...yeah. and they're totally paying for the
so i was getting kind of anxious one night and i decided to make a list in my journal so i could see all the things that God has been telling me. i made like five columns and i made one for open doors, closed doors, what ifs, what i think, and what i know. it was really eye opening. everything except the closed doors and what ifs were almost full and those two were completely empty. i talked to Carrie for a while and kind of told her what i was thinking and what was going on and after talking to her for a while, i was reminded of even more things God has done to tell me that this IS what he wants me to do.

So, after all of that, i just wanted to tell you guys that i'm going to Costa Rica June 23rd-July 28th. I still have to send in an application but from what the people i've talked to have said, it sounds like i'll be able to go.
PLEASE pray for me. I really want to be open to whatever God is teaching me between now and when we leave as well as while i'm there. I love you guys!

p.s. sorry it turned out so long...

i guess its "summer 2006"!

okay, the long awaited blog post. the end-of-the-year post.
i did it once and i got almost half way done and then someone decided to restart the computer...so i'll try really hard to make this one better...

so, i guess i'll start with track...because thats about as far back as i can remember.
Track started at the end of february and it was definitely a new experience. but i did a lot better than i thought i would. this is going to sound super corny, but when i finally started to get down how to throw a stupid rubber disc through the air, it like, gave me an adrenaline rush. like, "wow, i just threw that." especially since it took me over half the season to "start" to get it...but i REALLY enjoyed it. it was so fun. and i really liked that my brother was interested in what i was doing. thats one of the VERY few things that we have in common and next year, we actually get to do it together...which could be a good or bad thing...we'll see. but i think it will be mostly good.
besides throwing discus, i also threw javelin and shotput. and i also did a little running. at first i ran the 200m dash which was mostly just for helping with my throwing. and then i started doing the 800...thats right, two laps. i didn't do too bad. i made it to districts, but right before districts, i started doing the 4x4 relay and in order to save my energy for that, i purposely (sp?) bombed the 800. and i am totally ok with that because i wouldn't have made it anyways. a girl on my team, Sarah Buswell, who is a way better runner than i am tried her hardest at the 800 and not even she made it, so i wouldn't have done very good. but anyways, i went to state with the 4x4 relay team and got to spend time with Cassie, Hilary (or hillary? i don't remember) and Ellen,Jessica, Ricardo (don't ask) and John Steidel...along with a lot of other people that are really cool. we got like...eleventh or something, but thats ok, it was a really good experience and i think our whole team will do a lot better this year. and hopefully, some guys will make it too...well, of course John will because hes dumb like that...but yeah, only girls made it to state this year which was fun but some guys need to make it this time!

hmmm...well after track, spring soccer stuff started....the day after track state to be exact! but for me, it started a week after track because i needed a break...and that went on throughout the whole summer and it was, in my opinion, more fun than the actual season because it was way more laid back and interesting. and we got to have Hugo for our coach most of the time because Mr. Malunat was in Germany for like a month watching the World Cup...lucky duck...but yeah, that was fun, Hugo is really cool.

VBS.
Well, VBS was really cool for me this year. but its one of those things that i look back on and wish i would have relied on God more for my strength. but i don't really want to regret it, and i dont. so, i am really greatful for the things that happened that were so completely "God". like, i got to get a little closer to Case and Chase Rice. they're twins and they're SOO much alike its scary. Usually, after you spend a little time with twins you can tell them apart pretty good...no. thats not how it worked, they look EXACTLY alike. i even talked to their aunt and she agrees with me...its scary. but anyways, one of them--i feel HORRIBLE to say this, but i can't remember which one because even their names are ridiculously similar!--gave their heart to the Lord on the day that we really devote to salvation at VBS. i was talking to her in the hall and she said she wanted to and she seemed kind of uncomfortable so i asked if she would rather talk to her grandma (Connie R.) and she said yes. which turned out amazing because Connie was SO happy for her. i mean, i would have loved to be a part of it but i'm happy with the small part i did play and i don't think it could have turned out better. and after that, i really had a good time getting to know them.
i also got to see some of the girls just be friends and that was really cool. little girls can be snotty sometimes, but they can definitely be understanding and friendly and accepting too.
and i got to work with Jenn Ball and Maxine Pratt, which was really cool and definitely a good learning experience.

the week in between VBS and Jericho was NOT wasted. most of that week i spent getting decorations laid aside from our VBS to take to the VBS in Jericho. and the best part of it was the time i got to spend with Kaeli Joyce. Kaeli is an amazing person. before we talked about the lesson plans, we always spent time just praying. and man, those times were awesome. i don't know what was so different about them but they really tought me how we take prayer for granted and how you don't need "special words" to talk to God. He just wants you. Raw and unedited, just speaking your mind and loving Him. and from then on, the whole summer was just marinated in prayer.
And i got to work with Kaeli a lot last summer and i could have never picked a better person to work with and to share all the memories with. of course, shes not the only one who i got closer to, it was just really cool to be able to because i had never really had a chance to get to know her before that and it was incredible to be able to spend as much time with her as i did! She really helped me grow and we got to work out some problems together that were holding both of us back. it was just an awesome experience working with her the whole summer!

We left for Willamette Valley on Saturday to do a VBS in Independence, OR. There was so much that happened at Jericho last summer that i'm sure i won't cover it all, but i'll do my best without totally boring you.
we stayed at Monmouth Christian Church which was about ten minutes or less from the church where the VBS was held. these churches were combined for the VBS and had it at the Independence First Baptist. the first day we got there we drove straight to the Independence church and had fellowship...aka we had pizza and got to know some new, really cool people!. after that, we all got straight to decorating our rooms, it was a lot easier the second time since all the decorations were already made for the themes and everything. after we were done decorating and talking and just getting ready for the week ahead of us, we got back into our steaming hot cars and went to Monmouth to get settled in. of course, decorating and settling in took a little longer than we thought and we didn't leave quite on schedule for springfield (which was stinkin far away!) and--regretfully--we didn't quite make it for the door-to-door training they had at the church...we were all very disappointed.........
BUT, we did make it for dinner! which was some kind of spaghetti...i think......and after that, we had a worship time/welcome to Jericho thing...that was pretty cool, it was the first time we got to hear Mike T. speak that summer and hes amazing.
the next day was just kind of laid back and relaxing. we split up between the two churches for services and after that we went swimming at marys house. and GOT TO WATCH THE LAST OF THE WORLD CUP!!! i was kinda excited...not as excited as Jordon who was too excited to remember to take off his shirt before he jumped into the pool...but it was entertaining. and after that, we went to someone elses house (i don't remember who but they had a REALLY cute golden retriever puppy) and we had a barbacue (sp?) and just hung out some more there and met some more really cool people.
Monday was the First day of Vbs and we got to meet all the kids we would be working with all week and meet some MORE really cool new people. ...and then there was monday night...the dreaded door-to-door survey. which, in my opinion, got blown WAY out of proportion! i mean, i definitely was one of those that blew it way out of proportion, but i think we could have handled it a little bit better than it was. i don't know, i just was really disappointed in the attitudes that day--mine DEFINITELY included! and as i look back on it, it was NOT as big of a deal as we made it out to be and God totally had it under control. and i know this because as i think about it, i realize that every single person on our team that DID believe that God had it all under control had AMAZING results and stories...and some--tacos...so, it really taught me something about myself and my faith in God even though it is way after-the-fact now.
the next two days were just VBS and BLOCK PARTIES! we had WAY underestimated the block parties because last year we did SO many of them that we wanted to burn our blasted orange shirts! but this time, they were really cool! AND we got to meet MORE really cool people! me and Kaeli had a goal to meet and talk to at least five people at the block parties. i remember this because i wrote down the names of the people on the back of a pink post-it note that was in my wallet...but i think i only met three people at one of them...but they were a blast. even though they were tiring. and i got a free bracelet out of the deal. we had a block party at the IFBC and at a City Park in Monmouth. i remember the one in Monmouth a lot better than the other one for some reason.
the next two days we just had VBS in the morning as usual. but on the day we talk especially about salvation was again, amazing and unforgettable for me. a little girl, who seemed as though she was very emotionless but knew all the answers...i don't know...anyways, her name is Ashara. and i got to talk to her about becoming a Christian. now, this was really segnificant for me because it was my first time ever actually leading someone to Christ like that. and even more significant was the fact that me and Kaeli had just talked to Joe C. about this book called Sharing Jesus Without Fear. its sort of a guideline with verses and stuff for leading someone to Christ. and he let me borrow a like, little wallet size thing from the book...anyways, when i was talking to her she was really interested and i asked her if she wanted to read all the verses from my bible...i was SO nervous and i'm not sure if i made sense some of the time but she prayed and i prayed for her and i have never had such an amazing feeling in my entire life! it was like, i was serving God and i knew that he was there because He saved that little girl and he let ME be a part of it! so, another little side note thing about this amazing experience: when i went to get her a bible, i noticed that it had like a bookmark thing in it. i took it out and found out that it was a Sharing Jesus Without Fear wallet size thing just like the one that Joe let me borrow except a little newer. how amazing is that!? so, i still have that thing and i keep it in my wallet all the time.
so yeah, as amazing as that was, i'll move on now. we also got to see NDS and hear Mike T. speak at a Youth Rally that night which was really fun and we also got to spend time with our friends/roomates from Redmond for the last time. and we played an awesome game of ultimate frisbee...that was pretty sweet too. And after the Last day of VBS we went back to Monmouth and packed up our things and headed back to Washington (of course, stopping at a lavendar farm, a seven eleven, and...umm...somewhere we don't talk about and of course Nordstrom Rack) and the week came to an end that seemed very very much too soon.

well, that was kinda long but believe it or not, there was way more that i could have written but didn't.
so now...

Youth Camp. well, youth camp was fun...it was really relaxing and just sort of a time to hang out with a bunch of people that i love and meet some MORE new people and just be surrounded by people who love me and love God. ...and get tackled to the ground by Sitton. good times...? i also really realized how important it is to have a real one-on-one relationship with God EVERY DAY! that doesn't mean i'm perfect by any means but i really discovered that again at Youth Camp and i'm sure that i'll learn it a thousand times over again.
well, there really isn't too too much to say about youth camp other than what has already been said. all i have left to say is "goin to the chapel and we're gonna get married......"

after Youth Camp, i came home, washed my clothes (well most of them...) and i got ready for Kids camp. well, as ready as you can get in one weekend.
Kids Camp. well, kids camp is always fun for me. not to mention an incredible learning experience that i could never forget. this time, i was working with kids that i have never really worked with before. i've always pretty much had the same group of girls that i work with at VBS, kids camp and everything else...every year. its been really fun watching them all grow up and grow in Christ. but this year, instead of working with third graders, they put me with fourth graders. two of the girls in my cabin have never been to camp before and didn't go to our church on a regular basis. one actually lived by seattle. and the other two came to our church whenever they could and came with family that were members but weren't themselves. the two girls that don't often go to church, gave their hearts to the Lord in our cabin one night after worship service. but it was kind of weird for me because they both did it "in their heads" and so i just prayed for them and asked them a ton of questions. and i really believe that they got it. i apologize for my lack of faith but i just wanted to know for sure...you know? and overall, i had a REALLY great time with my girls and another AMAZING time working with Kaeli Joyce...and i also did Bible Study with Britton Holman which was a HUGE learning experience...Britton is an amazing person who is makes it so obvious through his life that he is in love with God. The last day at Clearlake was also an amazing time to just hang out with people that love me and love the Lord and to just fellowship with one another...that may sound cliche but fellowship is not just about food but its...just spending time with people in the presence of God...if that makes sense to you. i just wanted to let you know that i don't take it for granted and i really love all the people in my life and love spending time with them.

This year at the fair was a little different for me than it usually is. After the incredible summer i had up to this point, i decided not to get caught up in the "fair drama". i talked to Linnea before the fair and said that we needed to watch out and make sure that we don't get that way again...by "that way" i mean that usually by the third or fourth day of the fair, we don't even want to talk to each other and we pretty much hate each other. so every once in a while we would just sit down and pray. we only did it two or three times but it seriously helped. sometimes we still had a pretty sore attitude but we got over it and the fair actually ended on a fairly good note which is totally unusual. we definitely didn't totally escape the drama that was going on around us but we had our own heads on fairly straight and just kinda tried to stay out of as much of other peoples' business as was possibly avoidable.

i had been praying about taking a few classes at THS this year because i kinda felt like i should...i'm not sure exactly why i just did. and mom and me were talking about it a little and we were talking about what classes we might take and all that. and we never really came to a decision. Learning Center was going to be expensive and i had to get braces and all that stuff and it just didn't look like it was going to work. so we started thinking about Jim Macdonald and doing stuff with Mary Ellen and all them and we were just really confused and we were all contemplating a ton of things. but in the end i understood that we were probably just going to go back to Learning Center.

at the fair though, me and my dad were talking about a bunch of stuff. i believe we were the only people by the trailers at all and we were just kinda sittin around in ours...anyways, we were talking and all the sudden my dad says "what would you think about going to Toledo full time?"
i didn't know what to think or say...or anything! i just said "i wouldn't." He said that LCLC was going to be way too expensive to send us both to and that it probably wouldn't happen. I told him to send John to lclc and me to THS...but he just kinda laughed at me.
Full time? God, i know its you but what are you thinking?
i know that God wants me there and he has a purpose for me, but i'm just not sure EXACTLY what that is. i know God is working and i want to join Him but i'm not sure how he wants me to do that yet. Please pray for me guys! and for my school and for Jordon and Heidi and Ben and Ronnie and Carrie. Something God-sized is going to happen in Toledo if we're faithful and willing to serve Him.

kids camp is always sort of a closure to my summer...besides the fair. but i mean like its the last time i am just SURROUNDED by only people that love me and encourage me to grow closer to God 24/7. its easy to stand firm in your beliefs and to stand up to temptation and everything else because you're just surrounded by encouragement and there isn't the same kind of situations and temptations to stand up to.
The last day we had a youth devotional at Kids Camp while the kids were still there, we talked about how a REAL friend would be willing to tell you you're not doing so good. I have a lot of amazing friends, but i don't feel like i've been a very good encouragement to them.
Just because its not summer anymore gives me no excuse to not live for God. i'm willing to say that i have been struggling lately and i need prayer and i really need God. i NEED God! God has a purpose for me! I am SO excited for Him to reveal it to me. even if it is just little bits at a time.

well, even though i really only wrote about the summer, i hope you enjoyed it and i really hope you know how much i love an appreciate you even though i really don't act like it sometimes.



"You were shown these things so that you would know that the Lord is God; there is no other besides Him." Deuteronomy 4:35

thinking...again.

So you know what? I don't. I don't know what. What?

What is going on? Why does the power go out? Why is it STILL out? Why do I mess up all the time? Why is God still so good to me? Why don't I have time for anything fun anymore? If I don't have any time, why do I waste so much of it? Why does life go by so slow but WAY too fast?

So, I’m guessing you all know that it’s that time of the month again. Yep....the weekend that I think. What’d you think I was going to say?...

but a better question: why am I feeling sorry for myself? My life is amazing. Its great and I couldn't ask for anything more than I already have. Well, I could but that doesn't mean I should.

So what does all this babbling mean? Well, I don't know.

I guess I just want to know what’s going to happen with my life. I know that’s ridiculous, but I’m getting tired of trekking on, expecting that things are going to get better. Because they’re not going to! Not if I don’t do something differently. What I’m doing wrong I don’t know for sure. Well, I definitely know a few things I’m doing wrong, but I just don’t know what to do differently exactly. Other than just to seek. Which, I will admit, I have been…sucking…at.

I don’t mean to complain, or make you feel sorry for me, just…I don’t know. Just to inform I guess. Just to…babble. Because although some say its laughter, I believe that babbling is the best medicine. Because even though the listeners may not understand you, the babbler sure works things out that way!

So thanks for being listeners. And for ALWAYS being there to listen, even though I hardly ever make sense.

odds and ends...

really? You can see the driveway with your nose way up in the air like that?

“I’m think being chased by a psychiatrist” “what!” “it happens”

close your blinds if you’re gonna be so sensitive.

Fine. Walk all the way to the bathroom like a bunch of suckers.

"he’s going after the leftovers" "we prefer the term 'senior citizens'"

My family is best observed from a distance. Like gorillas.

What do you want, how much is it going to cost me, and why is the dog wearing a hat?

”what would you like?’ “rye toast” “would you like that toasted?” “Uhhh sure why not”

“not only has she aged but she has a beer belly” “that’s my wife and she’s pregnant” “well then she should lay off the beer!”

“when is he gonna realize that education and me just don’t mix?” “um, education and I.” “hello! This isn’t about YOU!!”

We all have feelings but theres a time when we need to let them out and theres a time when we need to keep that crap inside.

Gimme ten pushups—because you’re ugly.

I had very engaging conversation with a therapist today. True story.

we don’t have police in this town, we just beat the crap out of you if you’re acting stupid.

Redneck joke: You should really stop flirting with your cousin.